This is a spoof of the short story – ‘The Tiger King’ written by Kalki. It is purely for fun and no hurt sentiments are intended.
The God of Cricket is the hero of this story. He maybe identified as Sachin Ramesh Bradman Richards Sobers Border Gavaskar Lara Tendulkar or S.R.B.R.S.B.G.L. Tendulkar or just Sachin or just Tendulkar. He is often called the Century King. And this story is about why he got his name.
As soon as the King was born, bespectacled astrologers looked at him with sheer curiosity, “This boy will cry when he is sleepy,” they said. The elderly Tendulkar looked on. “I will make him play cricket,” the senior Tendulkar said. “So then he will score runs!” exclaimed the astrologer.
Right then, a miracle happened. The stars foretold of no such miracles, it was like Sreesanth completing an over without dancing in the middle of the pitch, the 2 day old baby spoke. “Aila,” he said. “O wise prophets, isn’t it understood if one plays cricket, one day or the other he will score runs?” “Tell me how many centuries will I score?”
“Ninety nine…” replied the astrologer.
“Ninety nine…? Why ninety nine and not a hundred?” Senior Tendulkar asked.
“He will retire right at the stroke of the 99th hundred.”
“That shall not be…” said the baby in strong resistance.
***
Then on, the Century King was brought up just like any other budding cricketer would. He had a cricket kit, a bat shaped bed, a miniature bat in place of a spoon (everytime he ate), a watch that was the shape of a cricket field. He studied the Wisden Cricket Manual to pass his matriculation and the only speech he delivered was at the Bradman Cricket Oration. Music to him meant the sound of a cricket ball hitting the meat of his bat and dance to him was the constant movements to adjust his crotch guard.
Then the day came, the Century King made his debut in International cricket. On a placid pitch in Karachi which was as dead as the expression on Manmohan Singh’s face, he went on to score a hundred. His first, people rejoiced the birth of a hero all over the country but he shyly faced the cameras and murmured, “Aila, more to come…”
In the next 20 years he faced the world’s best bowling attacks in the world’s toughest pitches. Shane Warne had nightmares, Shoaib mentioned him in his prayers, Wasim took early retirement and McGrath lost his hair (and his wife), but no-one could stop the Century King from reaching the Century of Centuries.
A famous folklore was born out of the King’s greatness. It was said that once during a practice game, Tendulkar batted for his team and scored 400, then he went quickly to the Dressing Room, changed and came out to bat again for the opposition. He scored a run more than four hundred to better his score and started dancing to “Duniya hila denge hum…” Other stories spoke of how he looked at an Umpire who had wrongly given him out for 99 and the umpire burnt into flames and was never to be seen again.
During his free time, Tendulkar nursed his dodgy elbow and shadow practiced batting. So one day, his wife gave him a broom while he was shadow practicing. Imagining it to be his bat, he went on practicing all day and the result? The house was cleaned like never before!
***
As the 100th century came closer, the King got anxious. He remembered clearly what the astrologers had prophesized and he couldn’t take any risk at all. Centuries were hard to find those days, two new balls at both ends and seaming conditions, all meant that he kept on nicking the ball behind to the keeper and getting caught. Distraught and visibly demotivated, he called up the BCCI President. “Sir, this DRS, it keeps giving wrong decisions, let’s get rid of it.”
“Why not, we surely will Sach, your wish is my duty,” the President diligently replied.
“Get rid of the DRS, it will do me a world of good.”
And the DRS was removed by the powerful BCCI and was never to be seen again being implemented in a single match India was a part of.
With a little bit of help and a lot of luck, he reached the 99th Hundred. He celebrated it with pomp. The astrologers were a century away from being proven wrong.
He called up the BCCI President again.
“Organise a match against the weakest Cricket team in the world,” he ordered.
“Your wish is my duty,” the President said again. “If you may wish, we can arrange for a match against Bangladesh.”
“No, no, not Bangladesh, they ruined our World Cup last time around, I want a weaker opposition.”
“Afganisthan would do?”
“No, not at all. I don’t want Talibans breathing down my neck when I am on ninety nine. Never.”
“Fine,” the President paused. “What about the Masai tribes of Africa? Surely they have zero knowledge of cricket, you would be able to plunder them.”
“Oh yes, but do they have International status?”
“Worry you not.” Saying so, the President made a few phone calls and within hours a team named Masai United was formed. It was granted international status and its players recognized, players who had never held a cricket bat in their life.
Tendulkar’s ultimate match was scheduled at Lord’s, the Mecca of Cricket. India v/s Masai United.
***
India watched in bated breath as Tendulkar got out in the middle to bat. He adjusted his crotch guard a couple of times and made faces, then he faced his first delivery and dispatched it for a six. The crowd roared, Tendulkar sighed, the Masai United players scratched their heads.
Then came the next ball, it was hit for six again…!
And then Tendulkar went on a 6 hitting spree, 6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6…6, he hit 14 sixes after his first two in a specially designed 20 ball over. He stood motionless. He was four away from that magical landmark, the King of Centuries, the century of centuries…
He glanced the next ball down to fine-leg and ran a quick three and then waited for his strike next.
In the meanwhile, his team mates on the other end who weren’t being too kind started demonstrating how the Masai’s would bat when they came out. The wickets started tumbling and Tendulkar soon was the last man standing on 99.
Ulanku Mashuata ran in at great speed and bowled a bouncer, it brushed against his bat and he ran to complete the hundredth run. And what joy, he danced and danced and danced. He looked at the heavens and thanked the Mighty. He hugged his partner, he kissed the Umpires, he shook hands with the Masai and abruptly left the pitch and started doing the victory lap around the ground.
The BCCI President announced on the PA System that a cash reward of Rs. 1 crore had been declared and the match had now been suspended and the Masais were requested to go back home as their purpose had been fulfilled.
Vijay Mallya arranged a special chartered flight for them in his now defunct airlines. The Calendar girls were all present as air hostesses.
A press conference was arranged and Tendulkar spoke of how he had achieved the unthinkable and told everyone all about the astrologer’s prediction. He declared his intention to retire and got a teary farewell.
But in the backdrop of all that a diminutive scorer named Ramprakash had fallen asleep while the 100th run was being taken, he being the official scorer of the ICC had the authority to nullify any record. When he woke up, he realized that he had suffered from his regular bouts of amnesia and he failed to recollect any happenings of the match.
In the record Tendulkar still stood on 99 centuries and 99 not out in a suspended match. This broke out to become an International controversy, a scandal. The Indian media attacked the racist West and the Westerners called the Indians arm twisters. Enquiries were set up and public trials began but Ramprakash didn’t go back on his word. “Ninety nine,” he said, flashing his toothless grin.
Tendulkar screamed and screamed and screamed. He “aila” to the President repeatedly till the President broke down in sheer torture, Tendulkar decided to take back his retirement and play again.
Hence, the retirement was called off and the search for the 100th 100 continued. And then in three months, United Nations passed a resolution that the money from Cricket was being used to fund conflict diamonds and hence in a unanimously passed decision, Cricket had now been suspended on the global arena for 15 years!
